


Oblivious to Love: The Smith's Daughter Becomes the Lady of the Duchy

by Tohshi



Category: Original Work
Genre: ALL THE FLUFF, Castle life, Disabled Character, Dragons, F/F, F/M, Fantasy, Fluff, Goblins, Human focused, Loosely based around Medieval Europe, Marriage, Maybe the whole cake of life, Pregnancy, Romance, Slice of Life, Some hurt/comfort, Trans Female Character, Unplanned Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-15
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-02-24 21:36:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22264819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tohshi/pseuds/Tohshi
Summary: Alice, daughter to a smith and seamstress and sister to a scholar, had been her family's little miracle. Having survived a horrid disease that left her frail and inconsonant, and surviving the darkness of dysphoria, she has wandered through life always watching despite no longer being able to participate. An accident will lead her towards finding love and through that purpose.Fantasy story set in semi-standard medieval Europe analog that focuses on the relationships of a budding romance and family, and how together they deal with the winds of fate and chance. Slice of Life.
Relationships: Original Female Character/Original Female Character, Original Female Character/Original Male Character
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	1. Tumble and Crack

He held the loaf out to me but my hand was shaking so badly that I would just crush it if he handed it to me. I glanced at my hands wishing they would have stopped shaking after so long, but it wasn’t meant to be. Sally grabbed it and rubbed my shoulder as she inspected the loaf.

“Fresh out of the oven,” said the baker. “Best batch yet, if I say so myself.”

I gave him my best annoyed look, how could he know how good it was if he hadn’t the time to taste it? We had been in line for ten minutes before we got to him, he hadn’t put a thing into his mouth in that whole time. I needed to stop staring at people like that though, even if he was a bit of a git.

“Thank you,” said Sally. “See you tomorrow.”

She slipped the loaf into her basket and her arm through mine before walking us both out the door. There were only some left in the line of the wooden room filled with a counter only a bit into the room. Large ovens kept the room overly warm and I was happy to get out into the late spring air. We left the white washed building that made just one part of the wall of buildings, all built up right next to each other. Maybe the houses were happy in their hugs.

“You could at least be nice to him,” said Sally. “I know he is a bit dull, but you haven’t shown interest in anyone. Alice, I want you to find happiness, and I know you aren’t going to find it watching other people live their lives.”

I stared at the cobble stone road, it never asked awkward things of me. It did trip me more than I liked, but so did everything else so I couldn’t really hold it against the road. I loved how different each stone was how despite the differences in size it still formed a mostly smooth walk way that never got muddy or all that mucked up.

“Alice, I know you don’t really want to talk about this, but Mom and I are worried,” said Sally. “It has been six years since you transitioned and we had hoped that you would have blossomed into a bit more happy of a person. You are every bit the woman on the outside that you are on the inside and have been for a long time but you don’t seem happy.”

“I am happy,” I said. “I just haven’t found anyone that has struck my fancy. Is there a problem with that?”

“No of course not,” said Sally. “Just promise me that you are at least open to it.”

“I promise,” I said.

We had made it to the edge of the main part of town, from here buildings grew smaller and less packed, the old district of Starhaven. All of the houses were surrounded by a small bit of green before the road came up to meet them and none were over two stories tall. Each were very unique and obviously made in a rush so long ago. Great Grandma had moved here when my grandmother was still in her womb to escape the memories of her dead husband and the war that killed him. She had met a man who had helped her raise her child, building the house we still lived in. It was a bit into the district and a bit off from the main road, only on a dirt path really but we didn’t need more than that, even if I often had trouble with the mud that sometimes over took the path. Thankfully it had been a light rain earlier in the week and our path was still stable. I could barely keep my shaky legs from buckling from underneath me without the added worry of slipping.

Our house was a lovely old thing with a bit of flowers outside, my only chore. I had insisted that I be allowed to grow them, and so each year I would plant the prior years seeds and hope that they would grow. The little red and white petals were so beautiful, the most pretty thing I had ever done. Making sure they had water during the summer heat however was not a pretty thing, some days it would take all day just to get a small bucket of water to them. They were mine and I wasn’t about to let anyone else take that responsibility from me. I could only really handle this small patch right next to our door but that didn’t matter to me, not anymore, not after a decade of being like this.

Inside was warm but only from the morning sun and our main room filled with all the things we would need at any given time, the hearth hadn’t been lit today, and I had no intention of trying, that never went well. I let go of Sally and made my way slowly and carefully to the bench where I flopped down with all the grace of a fish out of water. Sally moved with purpose and a grace I had never had, she had blossomed in just a short while from the shy girl I remember from but a few years back to a confident woman. She was not as good at housework as Mom wanted but it certainly didn’t matter much for Sally. After all she was to be Lord Byron’s next adviser, taking care of a home was not going to be a worry for her. No I was likely going to be that worry, if I lived long enough. Master Chiron, Sally’s teacher and predecessor, wanted her there as often as she could and it meant that I was often left alone for long periods of time. I craved my bits of independence when Pa was off at the smithy and Mom was working with the other seamstresses. Sally sliced the bread in two and put one half on the shelf and the other into a bag.

“I’ve got to run,” said Sally. She left the bag on a hook near the door. “Please remember to feed yourself today, there is no reason for you to go hungry when you have a half a loaf to munch on. Master Chiron wants me to stay late tonight, we are studying the stars again, so I will see you in the morning. I love you my little bug.”

“I love you too, you giant,” I said with all the love I could.

She left the house and I pushed myself off the bench holding onto the table till I could find some semblance of balance on my feet. Once I got going walking was generally a safe thing but getting up not so easy. I grabbed my staff from the wall next to the bag, it was a thing Pa had made for me carved from a much bigger branch with little nobs here and there so that should I need to I could use it like a ladder to get back onto my feet. I loved how smooth it had been when I got it and now it was only more smooth, the staff having been sealed with a stain multiple times that now it had a sheen to it. I put the bag over my head and had to lean against the wall as I tried to get it into a comfortable spot. Sally always expected me to wait longer before I ventured back out, but it wasn’t that I lacked the energy to walk far, just the legs to get me there safely. I did one quick glance over the house, looking at all the pots and utensils that hung from the ceiling near the hearth, each one I had named when Pa brought them home from the smithy. Everything was in its place like always and I walked back out of our dim home.

I took the same path as before following the road back into town, though I had no plan as to where I was heading, I felt like a feather on the wind. It wasn’t like I had much of anywhere I had to be and there were plenty of places I could sit and watch those who were useful ply their work. It was what I did most days, and very few of the town had any problem with me doing that. Yet as I got back towards the center of town there had been a change in the way everyone acted, like some heavy storm had fallen on them. I didn’t want to pry but curiosity got the best of me and I scuttled over to a pair talking.

“Such a shame, he was so young,” said the first. “I can’t really believe it. What if it had been my little Jessica?”

“I know what you mean,” said the second. “I to think that someone in this town may have done it just makes me shiver. I’ll not be sleeping well tonight. I hope Old John can find some peace though.”

I scuttled away, I had heard enough. Someone may have murdered Old John’s son, it just seemed so unreal. I walked away only really paying attention to my feet as I left the square and letting my thoughts consume most of me. How could anyone have done such a thing? It just seemed so horrible and I didn’t even know the boy. He was a bit older than I was but from what I had seen he had the energy of someone much younger one who hadn’t bought into the idea of adulthood yet. It felt like such a shame that I didn’t even know his name, even if his face wouldn’t leave my mind. I couldn’t even imagine him dead, how could someone so full of life be dead?

I wondered on this time trying to pay attention to my surroundings at least a bit but I still wound up somewhere I hadn’t really intended. Not that it was unwelcome. Lord Byron’s two keeps laid at the edge of town protecting it from the wild wood to the north. The closest to me was the old keep, now more of a library for Master Chiron and his home, at least till he decided to leave for somewhere more suited to his restful retirement. A set of walls blocked my view of the new keep except for a sliver of the top of it, the angle of the hill they were built on making it hard for me to see much as I walked up it. The walls were the newest addition and had required Lord Byron to have the hill expanded by workers. That had taken a long while even with all the extra hands he had brought in from the rest of the kingdom. He had wanted the walls to be big enough for another keep to be built, one for the town, so that in a time of need we could all be safe in the walls from any who might attack us. It was rather thoughtful of Lord Byron and the town had celebrated the breaking of the ground on the wall for the last three years. I came up to the incomplete gate, which would eventually have a barrier but as it stood now was still a gaping hole. There were a couple of Lord Byron’s men at arms guarding the entrance but they only smiled at me. I was after all a frequent visitor, whether to watch the court or to visit Sally.

It was the workers who hadn’t quite gotten used to me yet especially since several had left but two months back and Lord Byron had brought in replacements. One of them was a small boy who was on the cusp of manhood. His facial hair came in patchy, which was nothing unusual for any his age and many years older, but he still had a bit of a gangly look to him like his arms and legs were just slightly out of proportion. His smile was nice but I didn’t really want to see it headed my way. Just another boy who thought I was worth his time, that I might love him back and it was only that I wouldn’t that kept me away from him before.

“Hello, my lady,” said the boy. He even bowed slightly to me. “Can I help you get to where you are going?”

“I suppose so,” I said reluctantly. I did need help with the stairs going into the new keep and it seemed like it would be a waste to turn him down only to have to get someone else to help.

He took me by the arm and walked a bit too fast for me, though that only made me have to lean on him more. There was no way that wasn’t encouraging him. He kept glancing at me and I wondered if it was my face or my chest he was looking at. Not that there was much to look at on my chest, I was modestly covered, more than even most others would have and I didn’t have much to show there anyway.

“May I be so bold as to ask you your name?” he asked.

I almost sighed but kept it in and just said, “Bold? My name is Alice, daughter of a smith and seamstress. Though I guess it would be more correct to my future to say burden of a scholar.”

“I doubt you are burden on anyone,” he said. I almost laughed, there was no way he was genuine in believing that. “My name is Tom Lostson. It was nice to meet you.”

He helped me up the stairs finally slowing enough for me to be safe. I let go of him at the top of them, he had to go back to his work and I had no reason to keep him from it. He gave me one more smile and kissed my hand before walking away. I wiped the back of my hand on my skirt as best I could, though the shaking never made that easy, and ignored the snicker of the man at arms by the open door. They had already started for the day as I could already hear Lord Byron’s joyful voice barking out amongst his men’s more subdued talking. He was still so full of life and it was hard to think he was nearly sixty years of age. I walked into the keep and the large hall that took up much of the first floor. Tables had been set up, ready for the mid day meal and the lord and his men had taken one to spread maps on and talk about things. It was probably them planing the next big hunt but it might have been drafting new patrols for the men at arms which changed often enough they couldn’t be ambushed by waiting bandits.

The room was cozy and I never gave it much attention any more, the paintings and tapestries were old news to me, even if they were great works of art. The tables were always the same old ones and nothing really changed here, except the people. Lord Byron’s gray hair stood out among his men all of whom were at least a decade and a half his younger. Some stood taller than him and others shorter but they all were tough and clad as if they knew battle would be coming some hours later.

I had been busy watching the table that I hadn’t paid enough attention to the rest of the room, as I missed the two little ones who collided into me. Had I been ready I might have been able to stay standing afterwards but without bracing I fell backwards slamming into the stone floor with a thud and a crack as the back of my head hit the stone. My eyes fluttered open and the light of the sun through the door sent pain searing through my head. I was still on the floor and I could hear the twins crying nearby. Yet the room was blurry and seemed to shift and spin every time I tried to move. Lord Byron squatted next to me, though I could only be certain by the gray of his hair. He slowly picked me up, carrying me like one might a child who had fallen asleep at diner. The world spun all the more from the movement and my head and arms flapped against him as I couldn’t keep them as still as I normally would. It was so wrong to be carried by my lord like this and when I felt him take the first step up the stairs I shuddered and tried to protest. I wasn’t allowed up past the first floor.

The room was much darker up here but nearly the same size, many beds lined the area and a few men sat on them working at something, the sound of metal and stone grinding together came from one of them. Yet we didn’t stop there, as Lord Byron ascended another set of stairs and I could barely contain my worry. That was where his private quarters were, Sally hadn’t ever been up that far and she was allowed to follow Master Chiron where ever he needed. Yet my sharp breathes did nothing to help the nausea that ate at me and I tried to bring them back under control, ignoring any idea of getting my arms and legs to stop twitching so violently.

“Zachariah, I know you are sulking up here,” said Lord Byron loudly. “But I need your help my boy.”

A pair of footsteps headed our way turning into running after just a bit of a start. I couldn’t see him until he was right on top of me as I hadn’t been able to stop my neck from trying to squish my head into my lords arm, hopefully he wouldn’t hurt me for the drool I left there.

I was laid onto a cloud and a red sky sat above me, this must have been where the gods lived, but Lord Byron and Zachariah stood next to me still and I wondered when they had died too. A wet rag dripped on my face as Lord Byron washed the back of my head, sending new shards of pain into my skull. Suddenly my head was wrapped in something tight and Zachariah was the only one sitting next to me. Where had Lord Byron go? And why was I in his bed? Or well I assumed this wonderful thing was his. It was far to fancy with the red canopy, that may have had some design stitched into it, though everything was too blurry still for me to tell.

“Alice, please stay with us,” said Zachariah. His voice was so melodic and I wondered if an angel lived in his neck and sang as his voice, though how could an angel be so small? “Come on stay awake, you have survived so much already, don’t let a little bump to the head take you from us now.”

I was dying? It seemed almost comical and I tried laughing but it only came out as a bit of a gurgle. Still it didn’t seem like such a bad thing, I had been given an extra ten years by an act of the gods, so leaving now seemed less scary than it had back then. I had fought with fears of what it would be like to be judged by the gods, how I would have been found lacking for my want to be a girl. Not that I understood I was a girl then. They wouldn’t hold that against me, not when they had brought two miracles into my life already. Zachariah shed tears over me as he tried to keep me comfortable and stop my shaking from getting too much.

“Ssss all alright,” I slurred. “It it will be alright, okay? It was nice to have met you.”

I closed my eyes trying to not fight it any longer, after all every little movement brought a pang of pain to my head and face. Why prolong something that was long over due as it was? But Zachariah kept shaking me, so much it was a bit too hard for me to ignore. It wasn’t fair to leave him so shaken, Mom and Pa had been so sad when I almost went last time, but then I didn’t have the words to try to comfort them. Why did I matter to him though? We had barely talked even if I did find him staring at me from time to time, and I would often find that he had appeared out of nowhere to sit near me as I watched the day’s court. I had always brushed it off that he was simply doing what I was staving off boredom. But maybe he had been there because I was. I opened my eyes when his head had fallen onto my chest and I could hear him sobbing as he gripped my shirt tightly in his fists. It was silly, why did he love me? I wasn’t good for anyone, least of all a lord’s son. Yet it was too much to hurt him like this.

“Please don’t go,” he said quietly into my chest. I pushed my left arm up from the bed and watched it jerk every which way as I tried and managed to get to his head. “Alice? Oh thank the gods. Don’t scare me like that. Please stay with us, with me. Alice?”

I jerked my eyes open not realizing I had closed them, though it was harder to accomplish than it should have been as every time I thought of anything else they drooped. He took my right hand and held it to his cheek, keeping it warm and still for a moment. I tried to rub my fingers through the bit of his black hair that I could reach but it was more of a tapping. It was soft and fine and my eyes drifted towards his. I had known they were an unusual shade of amber, really yellow, but I had never seen them so close before, to see the little flecks of gold that sat in them and the way it seemed to weave around itself as the color came to the iris. I would love to have seen them this close when his eyes were not so red, but I wasn’t certain I would ever have another chance.

A thundering stampede of feet came up to the third floor and Sally almost threw Zachariah out of the way of her coming to my side. Her eyes were just as red and I tried to smile but it must have come out wrong as she only sobbed more loudly. She cupped my head, stroking my skin like she would when I asked her too, it was so gentle, nothing like my own hands.

“Oh Alice, I knew we should have gotten someone to care for you all the times I wasn’t there,” said Sally. “Don’t die on me, please don’t die on me.”

“Come dear, let Master Chiron do what he can for her,” said Lord Byron. He pulled her away from the bed and up into his arms where she hugged him back crying into his shoulder. “Now, now, dear, I’m quiet certain that Master Chiron will have her all sorted out in no time.”

“I wish I had your sense of optimism, my old friend,” said Master Chiron. 

He was the oldest person I knew, or so he claimed. His face was no more wrinkled than Lord Byron’s but his hair had grown as white as snow, and his nose had grown so large I was certain he was part troll. I hoped his troll father had been a good dad, had played with him when he was younger. Clearly it was troll magic that ran through his blood that made him so smart, and maybe he had shared that with Sally. He held a glowing looking glass over my eye and held my eye lid open, even as the other one drooped on me.

“Her eyes seem to be working, if a bit slowly, and her soul is still bright,” said Master Chiron. “I’m not the best healer, but I would say she has a bad concussion. There isn’t much we can do without a mage, save for keep her comfortable and stationary while she recovers, or as much as possible. She will need lots of water and good food to keep her strong while her head heals, and she must not be moved till dark at the earliest.”

“I’ll make sure it is done,” said Lord Byron. “She can stay here all night, just to be on the safe side.”

“Ca-can’t,” tried to stammer. “Yo-your bed.”

“Alice, there are plenty of other beds and I would regret it deeply if I didn’t take as good of care of you as I can,” said Lord Byron. “Colin is owed that much. Your grandfather was a brother to me and I won’t hear anything about refusals of my help. Your father may be able to take care of himself but you must let others help you, at least till your head gets better. Now rest and I will not hear any more of this worry over whose bed this is, tonight it is yours.”

I tried to nod but it only sent waves of pain through me and Master Chiron held my head still as he lifted me slightly so that more pillows could be shoved behind me till I was propped up half way between laying and sitting. He held my wrist for a while after that and counted under his breath. Was he counting the fish swimming in my blood? Though how they got there confused me. Maybe they had always been there, but I had never seen any spill out of me before so they had to be new.

“Are the fishes supposed to be there?” I asked in an odd moment of control over my voice.

“Don’t worry about the fishes right now,” said Master Chiron. “Just rest my dear. She can sleep but I want a bit of food in her before that. Zachariah, I want you to make sure she is looked after and that her breathing remains steady.”

“I’ll do it,” said Sally. She came over next to him as he stood up stretching his old back.

“No, you have more pressing matters at the moment,” said Master Chiron. “I have been negligent in your studies of medicine, we must fix that, though you are welcome to borrow the books, and if Lord Byron is alright with it, there is no reason you can’t read up here. Just make sure you light a good lamp.”

“I would not let traditions prevent her from being with her little sister,” said Lord Byron. “Zachariah, I know you will do a good job but let her rest, she need not be burdened by anything more than that right now.”

There was a moment of staring between the two of them and eventually Zachariah nodded and turned back to looking at me. Why did that matter? What would be a burden that Zachariah could put on me? He certainly wasn’t going to put a horse on my chest, so I couldn’t see what it could be. He pulled a chair over next to the bed and it must have been the burden he was going to put on me yet he just sat down on it, right next to me his hand falling on my head rubbing gently through my hair. 

Time passed in ways I couldn’t keep track of at the moment and at some point a maid came up with a tray, it wasn’t as fancy as it could have been, I’d seen more fancy ones at the keep before, but it was distinctly Pa’s work, as while he couldn’t do much of the fancy work that the master smith could, his tools were always the best and held together the longest, and the age of the tray was apparent even if it was kept clean and free of rust. The maid stood there with it as Zachariah pulled over another chair to set it on and she bowed and left the room glancing back at us with a knowing smile. Had I been that oblivious? I looked into his eyes and beyond the blowing wheat that made up the color of his eyes it was easy to see how intently he stared back at me, like my eyes held him captive and that to him it was only me in those fields of wheat. I tried to reach out to him but my arm only slapped ineffectively against his neck, I couldn’t keep it still even now. He grabbed my hand holding it in both of his before gently kissing the back of it.

“Not now, you’ll tempt me too much,” said Zachariah. “We can talk about this when your head has healed.”

I didn’t try to fight it when he put my hand back down on my lap and he went to grab the spoon for the soup. Steam rose from it and little chunks of brown mushrooms floated in it. Had they screamed when they were boiled? That seemed so cruel, surely they were dead before they were cooked but they kept moving around in the soup, almost swimming and I just couldn’t tell if they were alive or not. Zachariah held the spoon up to my mouth and I opened it to let him give me the spoon, there was no way I would be able to move to it myself, at least not without spilling. Still as I closed my mouth to chew and swallow the soup squeezed between my lips and down my chin, clearly it was alive if it was trying to escape, but it was far too tasty to not eat it, even if I could almost hear the mushrooms screams as I chewed on them. Zachariah brought up a handkerchief to wipe my chin and I almost leaned into the cloth letting it rub against my skin all the harder. The mushrooms were watching us, hopefully in terror, as they were delicious and tasted good with broth.

“Alice, do you want another bite?” asked Zachariah.

I noticed the spoon held out just a bit away from my face it almost shook there but I tried to bite at it though missing it. I opened to strike again and he poured the spoonful of soup into me. There were more chunks of mushrooms and a it played well with the saltiness of the broth, so much so I just sat there with it in my mouth letting myself enjoy the taste as the heat dissipated.

“Alice you have to swallow,” he said.

Oh yes, swallowing was important, how could I forget? I snorted out a small laugh and blew soup and saliva out my nose and mouth. It splattered all over my front and a bit onto him. It hurt and tears ran down my cheeks. Why was I so bad at this? At everything? He would hate me now. Why did I care about that so much? I couldn’t help the sobbing that took over me and he cleaned me up as best he could. I had ruined the Lords bed and I tried to get out of it, so I couldn’t foul it up any more but he held me down and held my hand.

“Alice you can’t get up right now,” Zachariah said. “You are fine, little things like this don’t matter. We need to get some more food in you but your nose is still draining more soup. Here blow.”

I blew my nose into his snot rag and I could feel bits of mushroom pushing through and out of my sinuses. It hurt less with them gone and he rather roughly wiped the rest of my nose off. After he was satisfied with my appearance we went back to feeding me, one spoonful at a time. I didn’t make it past a third of the bowl before I drifted off, the warmth in my belly doing its work.


	2. Clarity and Doubts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously Alice had fallen injuring her head, and had been sequestered in the lord's private chambers to rest and recover. Zachariah watched over her.

My head ached like nothing before it and it took me a moment to remember much of anything from yesterday. It didn’t help that I could only vaguely remember I was in Lord Byron’s bed, thankfully alone yet also feeling horrifically out of place with out him being here. Why was I in this bed? The world was still a bit wobbly, that much was something I remembered vividly from the night prior. Had I drank too much at some point? I didn’t feel nauseas like I had thought I should, not that I really knew, I had never partaken in anything stronger than a mild ale, which only had the faintest of alcohol in it, to keep it safe to drink. There was no way I had drank myself into a stupor with that. There were a couple of other beds and I could see some sleeping in a few of them, the smaller lumps must have been the twins but I wasn’t certain who the other ones were, it could have been any of the Lord’s family.

I had half a mind to try to sneak out of here and maybe escape whatever punishment might await me for being where I shouldn’t but when I tried to spin my legs off the bed the world spun so much I fell back onto the bed and laid there till I could quell my stomach from protesting so much. I didn’t feel like a repeat of that and seeing no other way of fleeing I pulled myself back all the way up onto the bed and did my best to cover myself in the blanket completely. I was very certain that no one would see me now.

“Alice,” said Zachariah. His voice was soft and close by. Why was I hiding again? “Are you feeling any better?”

“I I don’t know,” I stammered. It was a bit difficult to speak correctly. “What happened? I can’t remember much of last last night.”

“You were knocked over and hit your head badly,” said Zachariah. “Can I get you to come out from under the blanket?”

I struggled with it somehow having gotten myself hopelessly entangled in it. I couldn’t move enough to get free without feeling like I was about to throw up and I had to stop. Sobs wracked my body and as I shook more violently for them, the pain in my head flared as did the nausea. Zachariah helped free my head and get me untangled from the bed with ease, I had been just sitting on a flap of it and slide me back over to the pillows, propping me up a bit. It didn’t help the sobs, as now he could see me like this and it mattered a bit too much to me that he saw me so disheveled. He wouldn’t love me anymore, and that made me sob all the more. When had I been honest to myself about liking him? He was kind even if he was distant, and he was always by my side when I needed someone while I was at the keep. Why were all these little things easy to remember but I couldn’t remember if I had eaten lunch yesterday? I could remember how vivid his eyes were, and that I had stared into them recently. It was like they had pierced through my eyes to my heart and had engulfed it in warm little fuzzy moths, beautiful yet delicate. That explained why my heart fluttered so much, the moths were trying to escape.

“Alice, do you need something?” asked Zachariah. “You look a bit concerned there.”

“The moth’s are trying to escape my chest,” I blurted out. I smacked myself in the face as I tried to cover my mouth, missing enough to nearly punch my nose. “Sorry, I don’t know what is wrong with my mind. Nothing makes sense. Why would I think there are moths in me?”

I was sobbing again and he sat down next to me letting me cling to him. I cried till I couldn’t anymore and a thick numbness fell over me, not only making it hard for me to care about much of anything but also making paying attention to what was going on around me all the harder. Someone fed me not too shortly after that and I didn’t struggle against it but it was very mechanical. I couldn’t even really remember what it had tasted like even a hour later and I let sleep take me for most of the day. Even during my waking moments, I spent my time either feeling devoid of life or having a fit and in the few moments of clarity I managed, I felt all the more guilty for it. According to Zachariah, Lord Byron had stopped by to tell me I wasn’t in trouble for sleeping in his bed over four times but I couldn’t remember any of them; which did little to abate my panic as night settled over our valley and it took Lord Byron sitting with me to get me to finally feel safe enough to sleep.

I woke with the distinct feeling that I was safe, and I didn’t know where it had come from but there wasn’t any surprise with where I woke. I waited as calmly as I could staring at the red canopy of Lord Byron’s bed and the light of the single lamp, lit with an everburning stone which flickered much like a non-magical flame. The shadows might have frightened me before but as it was they were like watching children play, distant but full of joy. It wasn’t too long till Zachariah woke from his bed not far from Lord Byron’s, the one he had once shared with his older brother. He sleepily walked over to me and sat on the chair left near me, stifling a yawn as he stretched.

“Morning. Are you feeling well, Alice?”

“My head hurts,” I said. “What happened? I can remember that I am here to recover from whatever hurt my head but I can’t remember what that was.”

“You were knocked over and hit your head badly. You are sounding better this morning, or at least more so than yesterday.”

I nodded and there was a slight twinge of nausea that simmered away at my stomach. It was just the movement and I had to sit still for a bit afterwards, or as still as I could. Still the need to get up and stretch my legs and arms ate at me and I wiggled my way to the edge of the bed, dropping my legs over the side of it.

“It might be better if you stayed in bed,” said Zachariah. “We don’t want you to fall again.”

“Then should I stay in bed for the rest of my life?” I asked. I wasn’t certain where the anger had come from; it wasn’t like he was wrong. None of them were wrong. I couldn’t even walk without risking killing myself. I couldn’t help the tears that ran down my cheeks. “Sorry. You’re right. I need to be careful.”

“No, no, it is alright,” said Zachariah. “Here why don’t I help you that way you can walk around and also be safe?”

“That would be nice,” I said.

I pushed myself up on my feet and almost toppled over right there as the weight felt foreign to me. Zachariah though caught me before I did and he linked our arms together offering me the stability I needed to move around. My clothes though were covered in bits of food and the smock was filled with sweat and needed washing, not that I was going to be able to do that here. I wanted to cover myself up and hide my clothes from him and yet that felt so new and unusual to me. I had never had much issue with my appearance; one couldn’t fret over when they fell into mud as much as I did. But it wasn’t the cloths that were the problem, it was him seeing them and I had to do something about it, fancy myself up in someway. He took me around the room and then back to the bed helping me sit once more. I certainly didn’t want to stay in the lord’s bed all day, it felt wrong enough having been here as long as I had. I needed to go and yet I felt exhausted by our little walk around the room. I had to do something, even if it just meant watching something happening again.

“Can we go downstairs and watch court or something?” I asked. “Or can I go home? My clothes need washed and I don’t want to look so filthy.”

“You are fine,” said Zachariah. “But if you want something a bit more well kept then I think we have something here for you. You are a bit smaller than my older sister but we have some of her older clothes, from before she moved away to the Capital. Here let me show you.”

He held out his hand and lead me over to the chest off to the side of the room. The hinges creaked as he opened it and the dark wood revealed the bright clothes inside. I shook my head, those were much to fancy of clothing for me to wear and yet he sat me on a chair and started pulling out the clothing, sometimes holding it against his body as if to model for me.

“You can pick any you like,” said Zachariah. “And I don’t want to hear any refusal, you do need clothes. I can smell them from here and these are just gathering dust. Besides, I would love to see you in one of them.”

I blushed and looked away, there was a part of me that wanted to be seen by him like that, and more if I was being honest. I wasn’t certain why this had all come on so strong but looking back on it I had always had some fondness for him, just knowing he liked me back made it seem so more intense than it had before. I pointed at the green dress and he brought it over to me. It was soft, partially made of silk and was easily the most expensive thing I had ever touched. I wanted to wear it so badly but I shouldn’t. His eyes staring happily at me melted my resistance. This was as much for him as for me and it felt safer that way.

“Can you go get someone to help me dress?” I asked. He looked at me puzzled as he moved to pull a panel out but then paused and looked back at me. “I can’t do it by myself, not without risking a rip or tear and it wouldn’t be proper for you to help me”

He blushed and hurried off with out a word. I scooted the chair closer and found a smock and petticoat to fit between the dress and the smock. After a bit more of waiting I heard him return with a maid in tow. She smiled at me and shooed him away. She helped me stand and get out of my clothes, taking a rag to me before letting me put on the smock, followed by the slip and dress. She had grabbed a comb from somewhere and had gotten to work on my hair, pulling out knots and tangles with surprising gentleness, Sally would usually just rip them when needed and I certainly didn’t mind. The maid braided it up for me and then tied it off with a green ribbon of silk. I felt so wonderful like this and it seemed too good to be true yet she helped me down the stairs. Despite its bagginess, the dress thankfully had been a bit too short for me which made it harder to trip on. Zachariah waited at the bottom of the stairs on the second floor. The bunks were mostly empty save for two of Lord Byron’s knights, Zadel and Travis. Even they looked our way up from their work on their gear and I tried not to look at them. I felt almost a fool wearing what I was yet it was nice. Sally had been right, I hadn’t been living for so long.

“You look wonderful,” said Zachariah.

“He just wants you for your dress,” said Zadel loudly. She snickered afterwards and came up to us. She was large by anyone’s standards, being half-giant, and she towered over Zachariah by almost a foot and a half even as she bent over to get near his face and ruffle his hair. “But seriously he is just trying to woo you, even if he sucks at it. Me Mom always wanted a man to ride up to her on some beast he had tamed and bring her some strange creature as a trophy. I guess the dress works well for that, as she had settled for a puny human and here I am.”

“Zadel,” said Travis. He was just a bit taller than Zachariah but had the bulk of a bear. The two of them were Lord Byron’s best knights, and were often out on patrol keeping us safe. “Don’t give them such a hard time. Let the little birds do as they will, lest I tell your crush about the things you sing of them.”

“You wouldn’t dare,” said Zadel. 

The two of them ended up bickering and Zachariah led me away across the barracks and down the stairs to the first floor. He had to carry me part of the way as I almost tumbled down on top of him. The dress wasn’t quite short enough for me to not be able to find a way to trip on it. I held onto him as well as I could and when we got to the bottom it was obvious that my yelp had brought everyone’s attention to us, all fourteen of them. I went red and hid my face in Zachariah’s chest. He laughed and took me over to where I normally sat and set me down. The group gathered had gone back to their work. Lord Byron was taking reports on the patrol while Sally took notes next to him. She waved at me during a pause and I shrunk further into my shoulders trying to hide from her, not that it was effective as I almost slipped from the bench, once again being caught by Zachariah.

The soldiers of Lord Byron stood in their leathers and gambeson some still even having helmets on and all having their weapons still strapped to them, Pa had made many of their swords and all of the arrow heads for each quiver. It was a thing of pride to me that he had done so much for our village. Lord Byron wore a softer set of gambeson and his sword on his hip but otherwise he looked relaxed as one of the women told him of how the second patrol had gone. Apparently there was signs of activity in the southern reaches of our land but she couldn’t be certain if it was bandits, goblins, or drifters. He asked her to ready to go out again the next day and see if more could be found and she bowed to him before leaving with her men, the other group following behind them out of the keep. Lord Byron wasn’t walking over to us, not at all. He was just stretching his legs, after having been standing for a bit. Yep he wasn’t going to comment on the dress.

“The green suits you well,” said Lord Byron. “I’ve been talking to your father and we’ve come to an agreement, though not without some grumbling on his side. With Sally as my scholar, I need her to not have to spend time fretting over you when I have need for her. Not that she doesn’t care for you but there will be times where she will be busy for the good of our land and people and can not help you. I want you to stay here at the keep, there are more than enough staff to help you about and as Master Chiron is having Sally stay at the keep from now on, I want you to be here with her.”

“What did Pa have to say?” I asked.

“He didn’t want it to seem like he couldn’t take care of his own family, but our town needs him more than nearly any other and he agreed that he had done a good job proving his worth to the town,” said Lord Byron. “That his pride shouldn’t get in the way of making your life as good as it can be. Your mother, the sweet woman, had a hand in convincing your father as she agrees with me, that you would be better taken care of here.”

I nodded and couldn’t help the knot in my stomach. I was a burden on them and without Sally there to lift that burden Pa would have to cut back on his work. It would have been bad for the whole town and I didn’t want to be the cause of it yet here I was being sent off, even if it was just across the town. Yet I knew that at some point I would have become Sally’s burden, that Pa and Mom couldn’t keep me taken care of forever.

“Alice,” said Zachariah quietly next to me. His arm wrapped around my shoulder pulling me into his side. “You are wanted here. Your parents still love you, they just want the best for you.”

I nodded. His words were sweet but I wasn’t certain how much they sunk into me. Sally sat down next to me on the bench and placed a hand on my rattling thigh. We met each other’s eyes and I could tell that she was in on this as well. What else could I do though? It wasn’t like I wouldn’t be a burden wherever I went, and they were right, here they could afford to have a set of hands keeping me well, where elsewhere couldn’t.

“Alice,” said Sally. “You almost died again. You may be our little miracle but I want to avoid needing another one. This is the best for all of us, and I think this might allow you to actually live instead of locking yourself behind your disability. Some of us need more help than others that doesn’t make us lesser for it.”

“I’ll try,” I said. “I just feel so out of place. I don’t want to burden you all.”

“Alice,” she said sadly. “We’ve talked about this, you aren’t a burden and even if you are it is one that we carry proudly.”


	3. Trees and Shocks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Previously Alice had recovered under the care of Zachariah in Lord Byron's keep.

Zachariah and one of the maids, Gwen, had taken over my care, and one of them was with me at all times of the day. I slept on the second floor in a bunk to myself near the stairs. They had to build a railing to it so I wouldn’t roll out of bed during the night, and had padded the whole thing. Now, I had a bed that while not as comfortable as Lord Byron’s was still much better than what I had slept on back at my parents home. Everything was nicer, I ate meat almost everyday, I had been given much of Claira’s old clothes and they all fit well enough, only a few needing to be hemmed in to fit better. I looked like a lady of the keep even if I didn’t feel I was worthy of it. Everyone treated me as such, even Lord Byron who would check in on me frequently and spent a decent amount of his leisure time with me along with his actual family. Even a week into my new situation and I still felt off; I had been carried up and down the stairs by more people than I could remember the names of and there seemed to always be someone right out of sight with something I needed, as if Gwen and Zachariah were passing them notes on what I might need next.

There were some nice things though to be had with all of this. I never had to worry about being late to bed because I fell out on the road and had to wait till someone came by to help me up. Nor did I ever get anywhere near as messy and I had more mobility if just because I never had to wait for someone to come by and help me up or down stairs. Zachariah had even promised to take me out on a horse, not that I had made him do so, and I couldn’t help the worry that ran through me as Gwen helped me across the keep’s grounds to the stable. Having some extra mobility didn’t change how much of it was still out of my control.

The area was fairly smooth but we had to weave around the soldiers training and I had been warned that I would need my strength for the ride. I wasn’t certain what he meant by that but not having to work so hard to stay upright would help. Those we passed stopped for us some even bowing, not that they had any need. It felt like someone had told them something that no one had told me. I wore a simpler and more sturdy dress today, one that had been made for this purpose and had a split up the center of it to near my knees and was far baggier than would have otherwise been needed. Zachariah had brought me out to the stables the other day to see the horses. They were massive creatures and yet gentle, as they let me pet them and feel their soft noses. The stables was well built to ward against heat and cold with large doors to let air in or keep it out for each stall. As it was they were open and ready for the heat of the day to pick up. Zachariah had two horses out one looking to me ready to go and the other which he was fastening a saddle to. He smiled at me and waved me towards him. The horse nearest to me held its head out to me looking for some treat to nibble on and he snorted into my hand as it was empty and shaking.

“Good, you’re here,” said Zachariah. “I was half tempted to send for you. Here lets put this on you.”

He held up a helmet made of cloth and leather that strapped below my chin. It was thick and made my head feel overly big but I could see the merit to it. There was far less chance of me cracking my head open again this way. He of course didn’t have one but he had been riding for most of his life and I hadn’t been. He pulled me up to the side of the light brown horse, who stood just a bit shorter at the shoulder than eye level on me. I had to be lifted into the air by both Gwen and Zachariah to get onto the horse and swinging over my leg proved a bit more difficult than I would have liked as the horse shifted underneath me as I squirmed. My feet were placed in the stirrups and a rein was handed to me though I wasn’t certain it was connected to the right place as it did so up near the horses ears and not the snout like the other horse had. Zachariah tested the bonds on the horse and then climbed up onto his, as Gwen fixed my dress.

“You didn’t say I would be riding a horse of my own,” I said. I shook all the more and looked back at him as the horse turned away from the stables.

“Well we can’t have two of us on one horse,” said Zachariah. “Besides Alphon is trained to just follow other horses around. You just need to worry about keeping yourself in the saddle, he will do the rest. And I have this extra long lead just in case.”

“I don’t think this is a good idea,” I said anxiously. “I’ve seen how fast you ride these horses, there is no way I could hold on at that speed.”

“Which is why we are going with a much slower smoother pace, besides Alphon is a great ride and he’ll keep you safe,” said Zachariah. He got onto his own horse and took the long lead that Gwen handed him and something else he slipped into his pocket. He had a sword on his side and I realized he was wearing gambeson, hopefully he wouldn’t need it. He patted his horse on the neck. “Walk.”

The horse seemed to understand his command and soon Alphon was following at about the same speed behind him. As far as I could tell the long lead was more a formality than any need yet it still kept me feeling safe, well safer. The ride was as bumpy as I had feared it was going to be but as we speed up a bit it grew far smoother and while the Alphon’s ears twisted back towards me from time to time he kept his pace just fine enough. We passed the gate and rode down the hill and behind the keep keeping to the flatter areas as well we could. There was a trail that lead away from the keep into the woods, one that Lord Byron’s soldiers and knights used to go on patrol and it was well trodden, not that I had done anything more than walk up to the side of the forest, finding the trees and branches too likely to be a tripping hazard, and who would find me way out there. I let myself be excited for something new and I did my best to watch everything that we passed.

The trees were nothing special, I had seen many trees after all, but the woods were wild in a way none of the trees I had touched had been. There were bushes and bramble here and there but also flowers, more of them than I could count. They were all nearly the same shade of purple and I wished we could stop and pick some. Maybe I could get some of their seeds and try to grow my own, not that it was likely to survive my gardening. There were more birds and more little critters out in the woods and I saw many of them up close for the first time. Very few of the birds were ever so bold as to get more than three meters from me yet on the horse I was a decent bit closer to the branches they sat on and I could see the individual feathers. The squirrels were no different even if they were much more bold, sometimes even stealing bits of my bread from my lap if I wasn’t paying attention. Not spotting a deer though was a big disappointment. For some silly reason I had expected there to be hundreds of them out here and yet it was obvious that I had had rather wild imaginings of the woods. Yes it was different and new, but still similar enough to feel familiar.

We turned off the main path and down a much smaller one and our pace slowed a bit making my ride more bumpy again. It wasn’t too hard to stay on now that I had gotten a handle on it but I was definitely jerking the reins too much. I loosened them as much as I could and just held onto the saddle hoping I could keep myself more still that way. I wasn’t certain it was working but we came up to a clearing and Zachariah stopped his horse just a bit into it.

“I hoped you enjoyed that,” said Zachariah. “I’m happy you didn’t fall off. You did well for your first time.”

“Thank you,” I said. “Where are we?”

“Just a meadow a couple of kilometers away from the keep. There is a tree here I wanted to show you,” said Zachariah. He dismounted and walked over to me helping me get off the horse, though not without me falling into his arms. “I found this tree five years ago, I think. The thing must have been struck by lightning or something and it is one of the most interesting things I have ever seen.”

He lead me out into the meadow leaving the horses where they were There was a great big tree that had sprouted off to the side of the meadow and I figured that was where he was leading me, yet we walked past it and to a small tree only as tall as one of the horses. It had a dark gash in its bark that ran the length of it and it was obvious to see where part of the tree had been snapped off but despite this the tree still had a full set of branches and leaves. Even little buds of flowers were sprouting on it.

“This might be a bit silly but it reminds me of you,” said Zachariah. “You’ve had your fair share of lightning strikes, and just like this tree you are still here, still growing and blooming.”

He walked us up to the tree and helped me sit down leaning right up against it. The horses had taken to grazing and the meadow was rather quiet and perfect. There wasn’t anyone around working and for once I didn’t feel the guilt of not being out there with them. No here I got to just sit next to Zachariah and watch the horse eat and the wind play with the leaves of the trees.

“Thank you for bringing me here,” I said. “It is really lovely. Why have you been so nice?”

Zachariah laughed gently and pulled me closer to him. It was nice to be held like this but it didn’t answer my question. I had guessed that he loved me or something like that but I couldn’t really figure out why. He said softly, “Well I would have hoped it was obvious by now, but I love you.”

I nodded trying to still my fluttering heart. Why did hearing it from him mean so much more than just thinking it? Maybe I had been being absurd but it didn’t make my doubt go away. I said, “But why do you love me? I’m not really anything. Surely there are other girls more worthy of your love?”

“I wish you would think more highly of yourself,” said Zachariah. “But since you can’t see it, I’ll tell you. I love your eyes, they are just the most vibrant green of any I have seen. You are very pretty. But more than that you are kind and patient. I’ve seen you push yourself out of the mud after the fourth time in a day you had fallen and yes sometimes you needed help but you always tried. I’d never have that persistence. Mylena and Rae almost killed you and all you did was comfort them over it, the only bit of anger I saw from you was that you couldn’t just get right back at it.”

“I suppose those are decent reasons,” I said softly and trying to hide my guilt and shame. “I think I love you too. I don’t know, I just know that I feel better when you are there and I have for a long while. Even when we weren’t sitting near each other just having you there watching court at the same time as I was made me feel safer, more welcome. I’m sorry I don’t know what to say.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” said Zachariah. He pulled me even closer his hand slipping behind my back. “Though I would appreciate an answer to a question I have.”

I looked up at him and our eyes met. I hadn’t ever been this close to anyone who wasn’t family and my heart pounded in my chest like I had just gotten in trouble. His eyes were warm and soft though and both of our breathing had slowed, like we both were waiting for the other to do something. I wanted to kiss him. I’d seen plenty of others doing so, even those younger than me and it had never seemed a big deal to me but being this close to him breathing in what he exhaled, it just drew me to his lips. I leaned as close to his head as I could and he met me our lips touching. It was rather sloppy and awkward but it left me wanting more and the warmth from my heart kept spreading through me. We had only pulled a bit away from each other and his free hand had came up to my head letting me hold it more still, though only just. I kissed him again and I wanted that moment to never end, just to be there in that bliss feeling wanted and wanting him back.

Zachariah pulled a bit back from me, his hand retreating from my head to the pocket on his clothes under the gambeson. He pulled out a small bag and looked back up to me, our eyes locking into each other. He asked, “Alice, will you be the keeper of my heart?”

He had brought out a small silver chain that had a heart shaped trinket on it and held it out to me waiting for my answer. I couldn’t breath nor even think as my eyes darted between his and the bracelet. I didn’t trust myself to say the right words and I could only hold out my wrist to him and nod.

He clasped it around my wrist where it hung loosely, though not too much so from me. It was a simple little thing but it was still the most beautiful thing I had ever been given. We would be partners now, and though the thought of falling short of his needs scared me, I couldn’t let go of him.


	4. Trepidation and Turbulence

A part of me wanted to hide our pledge, to keep it secret and just between the two of us. I didn’t want to get him in trouble. I was just a lowly smith’s daughter and he the son of a lord, surely others would find this scandalous and I didn’t want anything bad to come to him on my account. Yet it seemed more wrong to hide it, if I was truly pledged then shouldn’t I bear as much of this as he would. To hold his pride in me like one might a child, safe and cared for but also prominently and with pride.

That thought took me elsewhere and I blushed at the thought of it. This meant that I would be having his child, that mine would also be his and the act that it took to get there flashed in my head. I had seen Pa and Mom in the throws of it and both of them had looked tremendously satisfied by it but I couldn’t help but think of hurting him with my shaking. I really only had a vague idea of how that worked. I was bound to screw it up. If only we could just kiss more and babies would come from somewhere else, somewhere I didn’t have to think about. Then again that would make kissing a rather risky activity, and I certainly didn’t want to give it up in the least.

We came out of the woods, several hours having passed, and the sun sat near its peak. The heat was strong today and I couldn’t see anyone out working the fields from what I could see. I didn’t blame them, and I suspected that much of the town were at the banks of the river, however small it was. Zachariah and I, however, headed back into the keep skirting around the hill till we took the actual road up it and into the gates. There wasn’t anyone training in the yard and the only people I could see where several of the builders laying in the shade. I would have liked to hide in the shade at this point, and not only from the heat. Being helped down from the horse only highlighted the aches our ride had given me. Gwen had told me I would be sore after our ride but I hadn’t expected it to be this bad and I had to lean against the stable wall to keep myself up. Zachariah had to take care of the horses before we could go up to the keep and they needed the cool shade as much as I did. Neither of them seemed near as tired as I was though and Alphon went about trying to find something to nibble at, once again snorting at me when he found I didn’t have anything for him. Thankfully it only took a bit for Zachariah to get the horses ready for their small pasture and he let them loose with the other horses. They had water, shade, and food to graze on and at this point I was jealous on all three accounts.

“Sorry to keep you waiting, love,” said Zachariah. I blushed at his endearment for me and I could tell he had said it just to make me do so. “We should stretch out your legs a bit or some might assume we have been more busy than we were.”

I had no idea what he was implying but I did appreciate the stretches he helped me through and the somewhat meandering walk we took to the keep. The sliver chain dangled around my hand and kept tapping my skin, as if just to remind me it was there, every second. I felt like I was walking around with no clothes on, that everyone could see it and would be taken aback by it. I was nearly hyperventilating by the time we made it up the stairs. The guard gave Zachariah a few glances but didn’t say anything and we walked in with out any more fuss than usual. The tables had already been spread out, ready for the mid day meal that we were just in time for. Much of the people of the keep were already present and many had a tankard of ale in their hands. Very few of them even looked up at us as we slowly walked past them up to where Lord Byron sat with Master Chiron, Travis, and Zadel. We walked right up to the table and Lord Byron smiled at us as he paused from his conversation with Master Chiron.

“So you asked her finally?” said Zadel. “Took him long enough, the poor girl has been waiting all week for him to get up the nerve.”

“Hmm, what was that?” asked Travis. He had been staring off distantly but may have only been joking with his comrade. “What the little lordling does or doesn’t do isn’t really my issue, it’s Lord Byron’s.”

“Hmm,” said Lord Byron. He set his tankard down and looked over at Travis before following Travis’s gaze to my wrist. I blushed and looked around trying to see if there was somewhere I could hide. The only place convenient was Zachariah and I buried my head into his shoulder. “You didn’t pressure her into this?”

“Father!” moaned Zachariah. “Of course not, it just felt like the right time to ask. Can we not go through the badgering and jokes, Alice is anxious enough about your reaction as it is.”

“Alice, dear, why don’t you come and sit with me,” said Lord Byron. “I didn’t mean to make you feel ill at ease, but my son is rather thick at times. My fault really, after all he is my son. It is wonderful to have you as family.”

“Thank you,” I mumbled and we moved around the table, me being seated next to Lord Byron and Zachariah on the other side. There was plenty more room for others and we hadn’t really crowded anyone out.

Lord Byron stood up and smiled at the two of us as he put a hand on my shoulder, soft and gentle like he had always been. He said loudly, “I have a bit of an announcement to make. This precious dear has given my son the honor of guarding his heart. May he hold her just as gently. To new beginnings!”

“To new beginnings!” echoed the room. I tried not to look at all the faces staring up at us but as I tried to find something else to stare at my eyes landed on Sally. She was either happy or very much so angry and I wasn’t certain which due to the distance. She got up and approached our table, bowing before Lord Byron who waved her closer.

“Come. Celebrate with us,” said Lord Byron.

It was just as hard to tell her emotion at this point as tears threatened to spill down her cheeks and she looked like she had been told that she had to eat a skunk. Yet she moved around the table sitting next to Master Chiron who patted her back and passed her a napkin. Travis passed a new tankard of ale to her and she drank greedily of it.

“Thank you,” said Sally. “I’m just surprised is all. I’m very happy for you, Alice. You had better treat her right, boy.”

There was her fire and I could feel Zachariah shudder next to me. Everyone else at the table laughed and she took another big drink of the ale. I wasn’t certain what to think of this all, it had gone nothing like I had feared yet I still felt anxious and on edge, surely the other boot was about to fall. I did still have to tell Pa and Mom, and there was no way that was going to go all that well. Zachariah grabbed my hand and squeezed it gently and I leaned against him trying to relax. Soon enough the food was brought out, it wasn’t anything overly fancy and I liked it that way, I was very happy and I didn’t want too many changes to well change that. Just to keep this moment in his arms for as long as possible.

There was much talk and song to be had at that meal but as soon as it was polite to do so I asked Zachariah for us to retire away from the noise. It was wonderful that they were all so happy about it but it just grated on my nerves to hear so many talking about me. He helped me up the stairs and into bed after getting me out of this overly baggy dress. It was a bit odd to have him see me with only my slip and smock on but considering there were plenty in this room who slept without clothes I figured it wasn’t as big of a deal for him. He kissed me and I wanted nothing more to try to pull him into my bed and just hold him there for the rest of the day but the thought of being found like that kept my hand at bay. He lingered though staring at me and I knew he wanted to stay as much as I wanted him too. It was too much and I scooted as far back into my bed as I could giving him room to stay if he wanted to, trying to put the choice on him. He shook his head and sat down on the bed. My heart thudded in my head and I could smell him, the sweat from under the gambeson that he still wore, sighing as he pulled it over his head, flashing a bit of his midriff as it pulled his tunic up with it. The quilted armor got stashed under my bed and his sword on the hanger. After a few moments more of fiddling with things he laid down next to me and I couldn’t help it as I fell onto him, only a scant few layers of cloth between our skin and yet it felt too much, I wanted to press into his chest and feel his heart beating with mine as one. His scent was muskier than I had expected but distinctly him and I let myself breath it in deep breathes. Excitement almost made it too hard to rest but the horse ride had taken its toll on me and soon I was drifting away only just barely aware he was still there holding me.

Running away sounded like a good idea at this point, yet as Zachariah helped me out of the keep and down the road later that day, I knew the time for that had long since passed. I had said I would keep his heart and if I couldn’t even face my Pa, how could I keep it safe? He would keep mine safe, and I had to at the very least do this. Still I didn’t much like the looks people were giving us, all of them were smiling at us but it was a rare day that so many people paid so much attention to me. Maybe it was the dress I was wearing, Zachariah had insisted on one of the more fancy ones, with embroidery all along it and while it was a bit short on me like all of the clothes it worked better that way. It was still early enough that Pa would be at his smith and I could make out the clang of metal and the roar of the forge well before we got there. The smith was made out of stone and one of the few buildings that didn’t have a home above the ground level. The area was free of much of the bustle of the rest of the town at this hour as most were socializing and not working. Yet Pa preferred to get in some extra work in. At least there wasn’t going to be an audience for Pa’s reaction.

He was busy working a bit of metal into a long rod. It was likely going to be a sword but Pa was only working on extending and thinning the piece at the moment, the shape of the blade would come later. I waved at him as he stuck the metal back into the coke and he acknowledged me but continued his work, pushing on the billow to send fresh air into the coke; he gave it four good pumps and then came over to us. I wasn’t certain if Zachariah or I were more anxious at the moment, as his hand was wet with sweat. It was rather easy to see that Pa was not happy and he came up to Zachariah before grabbing him by the front of the shirt and lifting him off his feet.

“Trying to rub it in my face how much better you are at taking care of her?” said Pa almost shouting into his face. “Do you think I couldn’t get her nice enough clothes? Or keep her warm in our house?”

“Pa,” I said trying to get him to put Zachariah down, which was largely unsuccessful. Still he paused enough to look at me and his eyes were as wild and angry as the forge he tended to. “Pa it isn’t like that. I almost died again and you and Mom can’t be there for me all the time. Besides when is it my turn to make a decision for myself? Pa, I’m going to be his heart’s keeper, and if you have any love for me you won’t hurt him.”

Pa dropped Zachariah and turned to look at me, his face emotionless. He just walked away and went back to his work and I didn’t know what to think of that all, normally he was far more patient with me and here I had broke him. I nearly fell over as I sobbed but Zachariah caught me and I couldn’t help clinging to him. We walked far enough away that we were out of sight and I just stopped walking. I didn’t want to be seen like this by the rest of the town and my shaking was all the worse. How could he do that? Had I done the wrong thing? Zachariah lifted me up and walked us towards the keep though it was slow going. I did my best to not mess him up and clung to his back gripping his tunic tightly. Was Mom just as mad? Was he ever going to talk to me again?

Zachariah set me down but held my hand as I was carried back into the keep. The stone walls felt colder than they had this morning and the colors of the paintings seemed dull. Burying my head into the him who carried me I tried to hide from what few people were in the great hall and I was happy for a moment to be going upstairs, that was until I heard the noise and amount of people up there and I shook my head and gripped tighter to Zachariah. He took me again and the room grew tired as I wiped my nose with my free hand. Most of the soldiers were here and very few looked else where. Zadel came up to us and patted my head as we passed her and I hoped I could hide well enough in my bed from all of them and wouldn’t have to deal with anyone coming up to talk to me but we didn’t stop at my bed and Zachariah carried me up to the third floor. I could hear the twins playing with their nanny and the two of them got up to run over to us as we came to the top of the stairs.

“Does Alice get to be our sister now?” asked Mylena. She had a blue dress and pink ribbons, the two of them were too hard to tell apart if it weren’t for color coding.

“In time,” said Zachariah.

“Does that mean she gets to sleep in our bed?” asked Rea. “I want her to sleep on my side of the bed.”

“For now, I think it would be better for her to let you keep your bed. After all there is barely enough room for just the two of you as it is,” said Zachariah.

He maneuvered between them and helped me find a seat on the edge of his bed. It felt so odd to sit here, and excitement ran up my arms annunciating the feel of his hand on me. I tried to push away that want but it had only been building all day and I was far too spent to have the energy left to fight it. Zachariah left me on his bed, his hand slipping out of reach as I tried to grab it and as if a cold wind had blown on my back I shivered. He turned and smiled at me before hugging both of his young sisters and heading back downstairs. Once more Gwen made me question if the two of them had some sort of telepathic bond as she walked up just a minute later with a bit of sweet bread and ale for us all. Rea and Mylena were served first if just to keep them from spilling it all over the place and their nanny corralled them away from me, and Zachariah’s bed.

Gwen undid my braid and sat behind me on the bed brushing it while I nibbled on the treat. I loved how pretty my hair was with her help and yet it seemed so excessive, had I chosen luxury over family? But I knew that wasn’t the case, I would have loved Zachariah even had he nothing to his name but the sweat of his brow. I wished Pa could see that it wasn’t about him that I had chosen Zachariah and that he didn’t need to prove himself to me, or anyone. Everyone in town knew he had good character but it seemed he didn’t know it himself. After my hair was combed, Gwen helped me out of the dress and down to my smock. I felt so exposed even like this, I hadn’t spent much time outside of my undergarments in a very long time and it just left me feeling as if I was going to hurt myself for the lack of cloth. Yet I didn’t protest as she got me out of the smock and helped cover me up in bed. It was fairly common for others to sleep without clothes on, Sally had done it all my life as had Pa and Mom.

The bed shook slightly and I opened my eyes just enough to see Zachariah crawling into the bed with me. He was equally as undressed as I was and from my spot his body was exposed to my sight, even if the shadows of the room left the details vague. He still was much bigger than I had expected for some reason, and I looked along his chest bare of hair but defined with muscle. He wasn’t as strong as Pa was, nor did his form show it but he was sharp and trim nonetheless. I reached out to him as he pulled up the blanket and his smile rewarding me. Despite the vulnerableness of my position, I felt safe with him and he laid down in the bed with me, pulling me closer to him our skin touching all the way down. There was obvious excitement in him but he just sat there staring at me. I wanted him, that desire growing hot in me and all I could think of was his eyes and the feeling of his body. We kissed and sharing a passion for far longer than before. It was like I hadn’t eaten all day yet no matter how much he gave to me I didn’t feel the hunger diminish at all, instead it grew and I rubbed against him hoping that we wouldn’t wake anyone else in the room, but it was only just an after thought to it as I twisted pulling him over me.

“Do you want this?” he asked in a whisper. I could tell he wanted it and it only made me more sure. “I don’t want to make you feel like you have to. I can wait for as long as you need.”

“I want you,” I whispered. “Hold me.”

He did as our hands intertwined outstretched above and bellow. His touch sent shivers through my body and I kissed him more vigorously than he did me, as if he was holding something back. I pulled back from him and looked up into his eyes. They were just as soft as ever but they seemed to be looking past me, and to something else.

“What bothers you?” I asked.

“What if you were to bring us a child?” said Zachariah. He fell onto me no longer holding himself up but instead acting like another blanket. I could feel his desire still pulsing through him but he wasn’t acting on it. “I don’t want you to get hurt. I don’t want the town to think I asked you because you were with child. I don’t want them to think less of you.”

“But I want to be with child,” I said quietly. It wasn’t something I had really thought much about over the last few days but I had always wanted that even before my sickness, not that I had told anyone till years later. It was one of the few things I knew I could do now. The magic of the mage had made sure of that. “Please. I can handle their talk, and you will keep me safe. But I want to do this. I want to become a mother.”

He kissed me again and this time there was no hesitation in him. One of his hands traced down my side reaching to my chest spreading his heat around and I tried to do the same though with much more caution. His hand may have been hesitant with inexperience, mine was with worry of hurting him. I managed well enough it seemed as he let out a soft breathless moan in my ear and sending more shivers through my body. The joy and lust of it all clouded my head and I got lost in it for a moment when he pushed his way inside. His hand had muffled my voice and I pressed against his chest as my back arced. I shook off his hand and our lips meet again. I wanted this to last forever and I felt complete for the first time since my transition, not that I had spent all that time feeling lacking but that as our dance built to its peak I had found a new level of elation and I wanted him to hold me tighter, my left hand still entangled in his. We came falling back down and yet didn’t break our embrace still holding each other close inhaling in the the smell of our act and the trembling of his body against mine.

“I love you,” he whispered in my ear.

“I love you too.”


End file.
